Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Sibling Rivalry Burdens

Littlegirls30461990.jpgThe children have erupted into another fight. Keep your cool. Sibling rivalry is quite common and usually results in fights. As long as your kids are generally happy and have a good relationship with each other, you have nothing to worry about. However, if sibling rivalry in your home is causing continuous unhappiness for one or more of your children, there are some things you can do about it. Rivalry, especially among siblings is caused by low self-esteem.
A child with sibling rivalry problems has low self-esteem and is dissatisfied with themselves. They look to their parents and siblings for validation. When a child doesn't have a very good view of themselves, they tend to believe others see them the same way and feel that others around them are better than they are. A child with low self-esteem is easily provoked and easily hurt by teasing, which happens among siblings on a regular basis. The teasing explodes into fighting when someone whose self-esteem is already low is pushed even lower.
So the question isn't what can you do about sibling rivalry, but what can you do to boost your child's self-esteem so he or she has a better relationship with their siblings? For a start, make sure all of your children receive sufficient love and one-on-one attention from you. Sufficient for one child may not be the same for another, so be sure to gauge if you are doing enough by talking to your spouse. Your spouse can sometimes see where a child needs more love or attention better than you may be able to when all you do is break up fights. Spend quality time with all of your children together and one-on-one time with all of your children separately. This makes them feel loved and accepted and also gives them a chance to open up about what may be bothering them.
When fights erupt, the worst thing you can do is scold or yell. You will be sorely tempted to lose your cool, but don't. A child whose self-esteem is low will not respond well to a parent yelling at them. You'll see more fighting, not less if you don't keep your temper when your children are fighting. When children fight, take them to separate rooms and let them cool off, then talk to them individually. Ask what they would advise if they had a friend in a similar situation. Ask what they think their sibling is thinking. Ask them what they are thinking. Once they are using their brain again rather than being run by emotion, you can bring them back together to resolve their argument peaceably. This doesn't work all the time, but the more involved you become with your children when they've been fighting, the less fighting they will do, unless they are fighting to get your attention. If that is the case, you need to go back to spending quality time with them.
Some sibling rivalry problems are actually a result of problems a child is having at school. A child knows he is in a loving and accepting environment at home, but school is a whole different ballgame. Your child can have great self-esteem at home, but when they get to school, their confidence is shot, which causes problems at home too. Go to your child's teacher and ask if your child is having problems. Ask what the teacher would do in your situation. Come up with a plan that involves your child's teacher helping to boost your child's self-esteem while they are at school.

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